He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
