Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
