last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
