I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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