and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
