I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
