I'm so fucking centered right now
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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