My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
