I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
