so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
