we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
