I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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