You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
