well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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