just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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