I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
