where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
