stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
