Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
