ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
