Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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