just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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