btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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