My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
