I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
