he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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