oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
