Please, let me fuck your mom
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
