My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
