That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
