so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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