So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
