Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
