hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
