i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
