I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I did not marry a roomba.
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