a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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