sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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