So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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