Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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