I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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