listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
