I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
