yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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