You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
