I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
