if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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