You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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