You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
