thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
