it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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